I spent this past week in Lima, NY-at Elim Bible Institute. I needed to get away. I needed to carve out the time and breathe. I was able to meet with many of the people whom I would consider my spiritual mentors. I was able to reconnect with a few friends still attending the Bible Institute. Most of all, I feel like I was able to feed my spirit. And attempt to pull my spirit out of a deep rut that was only growing deeper and that I had been stuck in for the past few months or so...and breathe fresh air again. In that familiar environment where I felt safe, nurtured and at "home".
I can truely say that I felt so blessed this past week. Not JUST from being able to have face to face time with so many wonderful, caring people. Not JUST from being back at Elim during the intense Week of Prayer with it's great worship, insightful teachings and concentrated prayer time. But for setting myself purposefully in a place, in a position to receive.
Receive.
Gah, it's such a difficult concept for me. Always has been. Especially when my human brain can't seem to wrap itself around the concept of a grace so free. A love so unconditional, so HUGE, so completely not based on my own successes, failures or position in life. A love so ....well, uncomfortable and almost embarrasing in it's extravagance. See, when it comes to the health of our relationship with the Lord or just our own spiritual and emotional life, things can become so cause and effect. BECAUSE I feel like a failure (at life and to the Lord), I can't seem to even face You Lord. BECAUSE I feel so lonely, I assume that I am alone. BECAUSE I feel ashamed and unsettled about my life phase, I hide and I am not so quick to socialize or run into people I used to know.
So, if you feel like a gigantic failure, let down, dissapointment, waste of space, lonely, ashamed, confused, unsettled, low and spiriling mess, (wow, how's that for vulnerability...yes, that's been me the past 3 months)
it almost goes without saying that there will be trouble receiving. Receiving peace. Receiving love. Receiving grace and resting in it. If failure is how I've been identifying myself recently (well, more like 'branding myself), then YES, I will resist opening out my hands and attempting to silence the 'works mentality/mindset' of "I've failed" long enough to take His love in.
So here's my story....throughout this week, I feel like the Lord set me up to receive. Time after time after time. I met with a woman who I consider to be a type of "spiritual grandma" so to speak. And she's just the type to let you "spill" all of your struggles out and then she goes straight for the spiritual jugular and the real issues and truth behind everything you just said. And together, through prayer, we discovered the new spiritual lense to replace the "I am a failure" lie mentality that I've been believing so strongly the past few months. And guess what the Lord replaced it with?
"I am loved."
*sigh* Simple. Yet, really Lord??!! But.....I.... I'm messed up. I'm hurting. I'm struggling.
"I am loved."
Truth.
And he DROVE this simple truth into me this week through many silly and simple methods.
Let me explain.
Prayer: A strong expression of other's care and concern for my well being. An act of love and faith that this season will come to pass in my life. I tossed out 'fleeces' with several people that I trust as friends, mentors, and caring individuals who I trusted enough to be transparent and honest with, to see if they would be available to meet up. And everytime I was able to catch up with each person, I was met with unasked for prayer times. And just that simple act. The grasping of my hands in theirs. The touch of a hand on my back. So restorative. The knowing that another was lifting me up to the Father. Hearing discerning words that touched not only on the issues that I had shared, but also found the unspoken 'pulse' behind the struggles and addressed those. An act of love-an expression of the Father's love. As if He were saying "See, you may feel so lonely, but you are NOT alone. They care because I care. They are gentle and compassionate because I am gentle and compassionate. They are praying into these things, because I have whispered those words into their ears even as they are speaking them to Me. NOT alone."
Chocolate: Ok, before you chuckle and dismiss this as the rambling humor of a quirky woman, hear me out.
The Lord expressed His love for me in gifts of chocolate. The woman I consider my "spiritual grandma"...her husband...as I was leaving their house, not only giving me 'just any chocolate', but shoving in my pocket (with a twinkle in his eye) the remaining 4 pieces of specialty chocolate from a well known chocolate shop in their town! Not just wanting to give me a "little something for the road" on my way out, but so easily blessing me with what I KNEW was his favorite candy....to me, it was so strongly the Lord whispering (with most likely a smile on His face) "Just receive."
And again, as I was leaving the house of a pastor friend of mine and his family the very next day, after "just stopping by" turned to 4 hours, more prayer time with he and his wife and an unexpected dinner invitation, putting my coat on only to hear, once more, "Do you like chocolate?". Haha...well, yes....but.....
"Dark or milk?" A little overwhelmed, I replied, "Um...well....probably dark more...but..." Again, into my hand goes the LARGEST bar of dark chocolate I think I've ever seen. Blessing. And once more, the Lord setting me up just to receive love and care. Love in the form of chocolate. Love in the form of small blessings. TLC. Not because I have done anything to "earn" it....but just because these people who I love, also love me.
Winter Boots: Now, this is the most bizarre, but very impactful way that the Lord drove home the concept of just receiving His love. And care and concern. So, I was a very impractical and stubborn woman this week and wasn't thinking of caring for and taking care of myself enough to bring practical shoes to upstate NY in the dead of winter. No, I brought flats. Open dress flats. That's it. And what happens this past week?
Snow. Wind. REALLY low temps. So, needless to say, I spent the week with poor feet that kept getting cold and wet. But I stayed in that mentality of "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it" kind of a thing. I wasn't thinking. *sigh*. So, that's ok. I can live with my cold feet. I took it in stride. I was crazy to not bring boots, but what could I do. Of course, my feet will be cold. Haha, silly woman. I'm pretty sure at least one of the gals in whose apartment I stayed at this week, offered me a pair of their boots at one point, but I brushed it off with an "Oh, that's ok...haha...I was so silly, but it's fine".
But on my way home, after stopping off at the Pastor's family house (and trudging through snow to get to their doorstep), again, wet cold feet. I was welcomed in and immediately offered slipper booties. :) A welcomed relief! But as I was getting ready to leave their house, to travel the rest of the way home...I think they realized what shoes I was putting on my feet to go back out into the snow and low temps. Of course, I had a good laugh about my foolishness again and just smiling at their comments about "warming up my shoes", when this former Pastor's wife turns to me and asks me my shoe size. I sheepishly tell her, as I'm gathering the rest of my stuff together, only to have her return with sturdy Lands End low winter boots. And insist that I borrow them. (I'm coming back to their house next week, so I can return them then, but that's another story).
So on my feet go these warm, protective winter boots. And out to my car I go, through the winter snow, but this time with warm feet.
Now, it may seem so small. But to me, especially as I was driving away, marveling over the feeling of having warm feet, I was struck almost to tears with the fact that they had just expressed the Father's love to me through the small concern that my feet be warm and protected. You mean, You care, Lord, if my feet are warm?? You love me enough to tap another human being on the shoulder and have them offer me winter boots. You ask me, AGAIN, to just receive. Receive the care, concern and blessings. LET people love me, care for me and take care of me, even when I fail to. My FEET? Lord, really? It's so small....I had gotten used to cold feet....but ....
So, despite how hard it is for me to grasp, I'm realizing how much I need to just open up my hands and receive. Receive DESPITE. Because His love is not based on my works, my struggles, my ups and downs. His love does not have conditions....I don't have to strive to earn it. I cannot let my emotions, circumstances, surroundings, perceived "failures" or perceived spiritual standing dictate who He says I am. If He chooses to replace, "I am a failure", with "I am loved"--who am I to try to argue against that just because I have hang ups about receiving. He's my Father and unlike an earthly father's expressions sometimes of "I'll show you I love you IF....", He chooses to pour out His love just because. Just because I am His. Just because He cares. And just because He sees me as separate from my struggles. Separate from my set backs, emotional upheaval and horrible confusion. He sees who I really am.
He sees the real me that is still inside.
And He chooses to lavish His love out on me......just because.
