Currently, I'm stuck in that mildy frustrating/mildly ackward phase known as the "phone interview shuffle".
AKA: successful phone conversation from the contact person, phone tag limbo with another committee member.
*sigh*. What I would give just to go to meet these people face to face.
In the meantime, I've taken to watching/listening to IHOP (Internation House of Prayer) -KC's live stream of their prayer room. It's been so encouraging to engage in something that stirs up passion and hunger in my heart once more. I discovered the live stream yesterday and listened to it on and off throughout the day. And at the end of the night I realized something....I easily miss the BIG picture.
What do I mean by this? Perspective. From my small little area of concerns and stresses, as I continue figuring out where to go next, resumes, job hunting, ect, if I stay down in all of it for too long it's all I can see. It's so...easy, so comfortable, so ho-hum to NOT climb higher. I job hunt. I watch the news. I tweak documents. I search the web. Meanwhile, I fail to feed myself spiritually. Sure, I may read a bit from my Bible, any recent theology book, Christian inspirational book. I may listen to worship music. But if I fail to engage, to connect, to meet intimately with the God who desires relationship (and not ritual), then my perspective is still low, still stuck in my troubles, and so very limited.
What is the BIG picture? Christ and His Kingdom. The hearts and spirits of those around me. Grace, the work of the cross, the supremacy and Glory of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The Big picture is my inner life, the "place behind my face" (as Misty Edwards puts it). The Big picture is His moving and working on this earth and what He is doing within His Bride, the body of Christ.
He calls out for hearts, for relationship, for us to meet with Him, wait on Him, listen to His heart in the quiet place, our secret place with Him. Yet, if something holds us back, holds us down, we are left with our perspective only being on what immediately surrounds us versus His Higher purpose, His Higher thoughts and His Higher Kingdom principles.
After all, what will matter, I mean REALLY matter once we've left this earth? In light of eternity, what is the big picture? I think this is where our perspectives shift and can have the potential to realign.
These should be the real "check up" questions, shouldn't they?
*How is my intimacy level with the Lord?
* How is my hunger level for more of the Lord and His Kingdom principles?
*How is my heart and what is it telling me about wounds, lies, concealed sins, attitudes, pride..ect?
*What has Jesus been teaching me lately?
Also, "How is my spiritual overflow?" If our worship, in action, in attitude, in lifestyle, is all about "the overflow of a forgiven soul" (thank you, Matt Redman), then where is my spiritual overflow? Am I overflowing with gratitude, joy, communion with the Lord, worship and Glory? Or is my well running low?
Is my 'spiritual water' stagnant? Or is it "bubbling over"?
Perspective is huge. Not that I'm claiming to be seeing things completely clearly...big picture.
But I want to. And I'm relying on the Lord to help me. Stay close to His heart and keep the kind of perspective that He wants me to keep. HIS Kingdom. HIS Cross. HIS grace and HIS glory.
So, how is YOUR perspective today?
Can you see His Big picture?
How is YOUR 'overflow'?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Musings on "Possibility" and Career vs. 'Calling'
So the past couple days have been very intriguing. Yesterday as I was doing my daily "check the dozen and a half ministry job posting websites in hopes of something NOT in Cali, Texas or Florida", the very first new job posting (posted most likely just a few hours earlier) on the very first website I checked was for a Worship Leader for CHESTER, NJ. ...shock.
Chester?
Chester is an adorable little town about 20 min from my house. Seriously? Wow. So of course, after browsing the description for a part time (15 hours a week max) worship leader in a mediumly small nondenom, evangelical church, I sent my standard coverletter/resume email off to the contact person. Figuring *shrug*, we'll see.
Well, that same night, just a few hours later, I received an email AND a cell message (I was watching a show with mom...probably didn't hear it ring) from the church's head deacon. Saying essentially that he thought my resume was "very impressive" and that he looked forward to hearing from me. Wow, ok, this is fast.
So this afternoon I called this man's number and had a short "phone interview". Well, more like brief conversation and preliminary contact. Phone interviews can be kinda ackward though, as I'm learning. Especially the whole asking questions and/or waiting for them to continue and/or ask you another question. I'm big on face to face. Reading body language and facial features to know where the conversation is going.
But that's besides the point......
Turns out they're having a Worship Comittee meeting tonight (seriously, was this planned earlier?), he'll submit my resume there and the next step would be hearing from the Pastor to set up an interview. Interesting.
Now, if this pans out I'll have to find something else for daytime hours. Practically speaking. Since obviously this is part time, and while it would be good for "part time" hours, I'd have to find another job to "support myself". And while it would be great to find my own apartment, again, "practically speaking" that's not really possible right now. What would I do? Substitute teach? Try AGAIN to find a piano/vocal teaching position in a music studio. Try to teach piano lessons privately? We'll see.
Regardless, I'm ready to have things "flesh out" a bit more in my life. I like the idea of 'possibility' maturing to become a solid 'possible position'. Possibility is a great word. It is like this fun loving second cousin to 'hope'. And I love the word hope.
Now, while my mother chimes in with a disappointed "that's not a lot" as I'm describing this worship leading position financially speaking, I'm realizing all the more that ministry is a CALLING. Not a career.
I never claimed to want a career. Ever. I think that solidified as soon as I realized (during the great Junior Year of Undergrad freak out of 2006) that I was feeling called to ministry and not to teaching in the public schools. Financially speaking, maybe being a worship leader (and having that as my primary focus) is, to some laughable. But to me, it's being obedient to a calling, a passion and a life purpose. But again, I don't think "career" when I think ministry.
Now I haven't claimed to have figured this all out yet. That should be obvious. It's a step by step, journey, babe in ministry taking steps (albeit baby steps) towards a life of obedience and passion. And while I continually struggle between wanting to be the "responsible daughter" in a family that focuses more on 401Ks and benefits, rather than ministerial life callings and passions, and straining to hear the Lord's voice for where to take the next step, I know this much to be true. Ministry is NOT a career, at least not in the typical sense. And because of this, I can't measure it to the same worldly standards of salary, benefits, and financial securities. Haha. Who EVER said a life of ministry would be 'financially secure'?! Certainly not me. And certainly not any person in ministry that I have looked up to and admired over the past few years.
We shall see how this pans out.
But for now, financial issues and hang-ups aside, I enjoy "possibility"
"Possibility" is a great word. :)
Chester?
Chester is an adorable little town about 20 min from my house. Seriously? Wow. So of course, after browsing the description for a part time (15 hours a week max) worship leader in a mediumly small nondenom, evangelical church, I sent my standard coverletter/resume email off to the contact person. Figuring *shrug*, we'll see.
Well, that same night, just a few hours later, I received an email AND a cell message (I was watching a show with mom...probably didn't hear it ring) from the church's head deacon. Saying essentially that he thought my resume was "very impressive" and that he looked forward to hearing from me. Wow, ok, this is fast.
So this afternoon I called this man's number and had a short "phone interview". Well, more like brief conversation and preliminary contact. Phone interviews can be kinda ackward though, as I'm learning. Especially the whole asking questions and/or waiting for them to continue and/or ask you another question. I'm big on face to face. Reading body language and facial features to know where the conversation is going.
But that's besides the point......
Turns out they're having a Worship Comittee meeting tonight (seriously, was this planned earlier?), he'll submit my resume there and the next step would be hearing from the Pastor to set up an interview. Interesting.
Now, if this pans out I'll have to find something else for daytime hours. Practically speaking. Since obviously this is part time, and while it would be good for "part time" hours, I'd have to find another job to "support myself". And while it would be great to find my own apartment, again, "practically speaking" that's not really possible right now. What would I do? Substitute teach? Try AGAIN to find a piano/vocal teaching position in a music studio. Try to teach piano lessons privately? We'll see.
Regardless, I'm ready to have things "flesh out" a bit more in my life. I like the idea of 'possibility' maturing to become a solid 'possible position'. Possibility is a great word. It is like this fun loving second cousin to 'hope'. And I love the word hope.
Now, while my mother chimes in with a disappointed "that's not a lot" as I'm describing this worship leading position financially speaking, I'm realizing all the more that ministry is a CALLING. Not a career.
I never claimed to want a career. Ever. I think that solidified as soon as I realized (during the great Junior Year of Undergrad freak out of 2006) that I was feeling called to ministry and not to teaching in the public schools. Financially speaking, maybe being a worship leader (and having that as my primary focus) is, to some laughable. But to me, it's being obedient to a calling, a passion and a life purpose. But again, I don't think "career" when I think ministry.
Now I haven't claimed to have figured this all out yet. That should be obvious. It's a step by step, journey, babe in ministry taking steps (albeit baby steps) towards a life of obedience and passion. And while I continually struggle between wanting to be the "responsible daughter" in a family that focuses more on 401Ks and benefits, rather than ministerial life callings and passions, and straining to hear the Lord's voice for where to take the next step, I know this much to be true. Ministry is NOT a career, at least not in the typical sense. And because of this, I can't measure it to the same worldly standards of salary, benefits, and financial securities. Haha. Who EVER said a life of ministry would be 'financially secure'?! Certainly not me. And certainly not any person in ministry that I have looked up to and admired over the past few years.
We shall see how this pans out.
But for now, financial issues and hang-ups aside, I enjoy "possibility"
"Possibility" is a great word. :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
"And it came to pass"
Positive: I'm not crying every night like I was for about 3 weeks straight
Negative: I'm not crying every night like I was for about 3 weeks straight (?)
I don't know whether this is good or bad. Bad: Am I becoming numb? Good: Am I adjusting finally?
It seems I'm becoming used to disappointment. OF COURSE the job was only recently filled. OF COURSE your church is looking for someone with a certain number of years of paid experience. OF COURSE your not responding back to my email. Of course.
I keep telling myself that there's gotta be a reason. There always is, isn't there? We always find this out later though. After the fact. Once it's over. And then we call it: perspective. And we smile.
Except I'm not smiling now. And I have trouble thinking clearly or even knowing what I want or what would be good for me to pursue. Where to live? What type of job to pursue? Where to look for open doors in ministry? Churches?
I find hope, small little glimmers of it that come fleetingly but still, hope, in thinking that this will pass. This season. That life is about peaks and valleys, and this valley will soon start it's upward climb. That I will someday find my niche, my place, a 'home', and well, let's be real here: a job.
It's like that Mark Lowry skit. Ok, deal with me here. I'm going old school Christian culture.
Mark Lowry. Christian comedian. I owned his VHS (oooo, the time before DVDs. Am I aging myself?)
"Heart in Motion", in 5th grade which means the tape was probably made in like, '94/'95.
Sometimes corny, but I find myself often drawing on his "it came to pass" wisdom.
Here's what I mean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z-nwWEpHdQ
Life verse: "and it came to pass". It didn't come to stay. This will sort itself out. After all, every believer goes through their 'wilderness' season, don't they? I mean, at LEAST one. Maybe several. Maybe it's a part of our journey. And maybe I'll come out of this with tons of life lessons.
Or at least that magic word: perspective.
The Lord hasn't changed. I enjoy thinking on that too. Though maybe my pespective has changed. Maybe my heart has changed. Maybe my motivation, schedule, location, and everything about my day to day life has completely changed over the last few months. But God hasn't. And He never changes who He is. His promises? They stay the same, they stay consistent. His Word? True. His love? Steadfast and unshakable.
His plans and purpose for my life? They still exist. Despite me. Despite my emotions, weaknesses, confusion, and temporary life paralysis. He still whispers "a hope and a future", even when I can only see darkness and a blurred path.
"And it came to pass." Seasons of life. Peaks. Valleys. Emotions. Situations.
This too shall pass.
Negative: I'm not crying every night like I was for about 3 weeks straight (?)
I don't know whether this is good or bad. Bad: Am I becoming numb? Good: Am I adjusting finally?
It seems I'm becoming used to disappointment. OF COURSE the job was only recently filled. OF COURSE your church is looking for someone with a certain number of years of paid experience. OF COURSE your not responding back to my email. Of course.
I keep telling myself that there's gotta be a reason. There always is, isn't there? We always find this out later though. After the fact. Once it's over. And then we call it: perspective. And we smile.
Except I'm not smiling now. And I have trouble thinking clearly or even knowing what I want or what would be good for me to pursue. Where to live? What type of job to pursue? Where to look for open doors in ministry? Churches?
I find hope, small little glimmers of it that come fleetingly but still, hope, in thinking that this will pass. This season. That life is about peaks and valleys, and this valley will soon start it's upward climb. That I will someday find my niche, my place, a 'home', and well, let's be real here: a job.
It's like that Mark Lowry skit. Ok, deal with me here. I'm going old school Christian culture.
Mark Lowry. Christian comedian. I owned his VHS (oooo, the time before DVDs. Am I aging myself?)
"Heart in Motion", in 5th grade which means the tape was probably made in like, '94/'95.
Sometimes corny, but I find myself often drawing on his "it came to pass" wisdom.
Here's what I mean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z-nwWEpHdQ
Life verse: "and it came to pass". It didn't come to stay. This will sort itself out. After all, every believer goes through their 'wilderness' season, don't they? I mean, at LEAST one. Maybe several. Maybe it's a part of our journey. And maybe I'll come out of this with tons of life lessons.
Or at least that magic word: perspective.
The Lord hasn't changed. I enjoy thinking on that too. Though maybe my pespective has changed. Maybe my heart has changed. Maybe my motivation, schedule, location, and everything about my day to day life has completely changed over the last few months. But God hasn't. And He never changes who He is. His promises? They stay the same, they stay consistent. His Word? True. His love? Steadfast and unshakable.
His plans and purpose for my life? They still exist. Despite me. Despite my emotions, weaknesses, confusion, and temporary life paralysis. He still whispers "a hope and a future", even when I can only see darkness and a blurred path.
"And it came to pass." Seasons of life. Peaks. Valleys. Emotions. Situations.
This too shall pass.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Owning our Identity
So as I continue to sift through craigslist categories and endless ministry board postings...ect, I've also been reading.
Alot.
And lately I have stumbled upon a previously unknown (to me at least) author. Henri Nouwen.
This week I found "The Life of the Beloved" on my public library's sparse Christian non-fiction section.
Curious, I brought it home and started reading it only to be deeply impacted by the first few pages of this small book.
Identity
That's the book's main focus. Not only understanding who we are, but owning it and living securely in our identity for all facets of our life. And who are we? This book answers-"the beloved."
Beloved of God. Child of God. Dearly loved.
But here's what I've been discovering during this life "in between" time of mine-it is so extremely easy to develop spiritual amnesia. To forget who I am. To start gradually listening more and more to the voices that tell me the opposite. To start unconsciously or consciously taking these lies to be truth. Nouwen calls this "self rejection." And in listening more to these voices that lie rather than to the whisper that calls me "the Beloved daughter", I start succumbing and falling victim more and more to my circumstances and my emotions. My emotions that seem to tell me that I deserve nothing good or even spectacular because I am convinced that I'm pathetic and am failing at my own life. My circumstances that seem to tell me that I am doomed and worthless because I am unemployed and struggling with what to do next in my life. It's like I stick my fingers in my ears and listen to those voices, because sometimes it's easier than listening to the soft whisper inside that calls me "Beloved."
But what is true?
What side 'wins'?
Who am I?
I AM His "beloved." I am His daughter. I AM secure, watched over, loved, accepted, forgiven, cleansed, redeemed. I AM a new creation,a member of the body of Christ, a temple of the Holy Spirit. And while I am an alien and a stranger to this world, I AM a citizen of heaven (and mystery of all mysteries, I am actually also "seated with Christ in heavenly places").
I am a friend of God and I am hidden IN Christ with God. I am a light in this dark world and I am a partaker of a heavenly calling. I am a member of the bride of Christ and I am a true worshiper who will one day see Him face to face. All of this...........and I am His "Beloved."
This is who I am, and yet if I do not own this, remember this and STAY in this identity, I drift back to the worthless identity that the voices of the world and the enemy speak. It's like the analogy I once heard from Derek Levendusky: a princess who has forgotten who she is and is living in filth and squalor. I have to LIVE in this identity as the beloved.
Or to quote Nouwen: "Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above down into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact thinking of, talking about and doing from hour to hour."
Now I haven't figured it all out yet, but this requires a certain boldness. A certain refusal to accept the lies.
Despite circumstances, failures, emotions, set backs, weaknesses or situations.
You and I ARE "the Beloved."
And focusing on this, on who I AM in Christ, makes everything else....all the stresses and fears and anxieties about the future and my life....seem to fade into the background enough where I can feel that unexplainable peace that He gives.
So, please, with me, won't you choose to this day remember who you are. And own it.
You are His "Beloved."
Alot.
And lately I have stumbled upon a previously unknown (to me at least) author. Henri Nouwen.
This week I found "The Life of the Beloved" on my public library's sparse Christian non-fiction section.
Curious, I brought it home and started reading it only to be deeply impacted by the first few pages of this small book.
Identity
That's the book's main focus. Not only understanding who we are, but owning it and living securely in our identity for all facets of our life. And who are we? This book answers-"the beloved."
Beloved of God. Child of God. Dearly loved.
But here's what I've been discovering during this life "in between" time of mine-it is so extremely easy to develop spiritual amnesia. To forget who I am. To start gradually listening more and more to the voices that tell me the opposite. To start unconsciously or consciously taking these lies to be truth. Nouwen calls this "self rejection." And in listening more to these voices that lie rather than to the whisper that calls me "the Beloved daughter", I start succumbing and falling victim more and more to my circumstances and my emotions. My emotions that seem to tell me that I deserve nothing good or even spectacular because I am convinced that I'm pathetic and am failing at my own life. My circumstances that seem to tell me that I am doomed and worthless because I am unemployed and struggling with what to do next in my life. It's like I stick my fingers in my ears and listen to those voices, because sometimes it's easier than listening to the soft whisper inside that calls me "Beloved."
But what is true?
What side 'wins'?
Who am I?
I AM His "beloved." I am His daughter. I AM secure, watched over, loved, accepted, forgiven, cleansed, redeemed. I AM a new creation,a member of the body of Christ, a temple of the Holy Spirit. And while I am an alien and a stranger to this world, I AM a citizen of heaven (and mystery of all mysteries, I am actually also "seated with Christ in heavenly places").
I am a friend of God and I am hidden IN Christ with God. I am a light in this dark world and I am a partaker of a heavenly calling. I am a member of the bride of Christ and I am a true worshiper who will one day see Him face to face. All of this...........and I am His "Beloved."
This is who I am, and yet if I do not own this, remember this and STAY in this identity, I drift back to the worthless identity that the voices of the world and the enemy speak. It's like the analogy I once heard from Derek Levendusky: a princess who has forgotten who she is and is living in filth and squalor. I have to LIVE in this identity as the beloved.
Or to quote Nouwen: "Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above down into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact thinking of, talking about and doing from hour to hour."
Now I haven't figured it all out yet, but this requires a certain boldness. A certain refusal to accept the lies.
Despite circumstances, failures, emotions, set backs, weaknesses or situations.
You and I ARE "the Beloved."
And focusing on this, on who I AM in Christ, makes everything else....all the stresses and fears and anxieties about the future and my life....seem to fade into the background enough where I can feel that unexplainable peace that He gives.
So, please, with me, won't you choose to this day remember who you are. And own it.
You are His "Beloved."
Monday, October 18, 2010
What am I supposed to do with my life?!
So, this afternoon was ...frustrating and disappointing. I had a job interview set up for a 2 month piano/voice teaching substitute position that I saw available on craigslist. Basically, long story short, the job interview wasn't matching the description advertised. It was less. CONSIDERABLY.
Very different from what I had read online. Especially considering it was 45 min away.
Frustration
Disappointment.
and ultimately, sadness.
The biggest thing throughout all of this has been keeping a hold of hope.
My security in the Lord.
His promises for me.
I was told twice, by two different people and two different ways, that I need to do a word study, focus my heart what the Bible says about 'peace'. Shalom. The Lord's peace. Where to start....blueletterbible.
I hope to get to this soon. All that I know right now is that I could really use some of this peace (completeness, contentment, quietness) that goes beyond earthly understanding.
More on this later....but for now, I want to contribute a link to a great message that I listened to tonight entitled "What am I Supposed to Do With My Life?". The speaker is Jeremiah Miller, from EBI. Timely. And this couldn't have come at a better time.
The second file from the top. Green button to download. Pink button to play.
I know that my Father gives good gifts to His children. He will give me bread to eat and not a stone. His desire and heart is not to taunt me or torture me with this issue of my future and my life. He desires my heart. Wholeness in my heart. Completeness in my heart.
Peace
HIS peace
in my heart.
I only pray that I can calm my F.I.N.E (freaked out, insecure, neurotic, emotion) heart
enough to receive His peace.
But seriously, listen to the message above. It'll be worth it. Trust me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
an experiment
So, I've been thinking lately about starting a public blog. I don't know too much about getting word out or getting regular followers to read my thoughts, insights and day to day struggles, but I realized a bit ago that I need to start writing again. I enjoy writing and it's good for me to get things out where I can read it over and process what's really going on inside me.
But I admit....here's a secret....I'm a great "blog starter". It's true! I've started at LEAST 3 or 4
blogs in the past 4 years or so, but never really followed through with them. Most of them were private or not really followed to the point where I had to worry about putting down something too personal. And like my journaling habits, my time between entries grew longer and longer, to the point where I forgot about the site altogether. There are definitely a couple that 'expired' that I wish I could find again in cyberspace. C'est la vie. Such is life. :)
And don't get me wrong here...I can't promise that the same EXACT thing won't happen to this blog attempt. But super private thoughts and day to day happenings is not necessarily what I'm envisioning for this blog. I'm more seeking to address/meet/minister to a need that I've been experiencing myself and that I've been noticing many around me experiencing. It would be a way of processing this myself and also a way to reach others. Reach out. Express. A way of saying "you're not alone".
Here's what I'm getting at ...(forgive me, I can be long winded at times).
I'm 26. Single. A Bible believing, cross clinging, grace dependent Christian.
With a passion for the ministry. With a 'call' to His people.
A worship leader with a pastoral heart and a love for the local church.
Currently job searching. As of this moment "unemployed".
For the time being, finished with college/ministry training/Bible Institute.
Living back at home with my parents.
Oh....and did I mention I'm ....."in between."
I think there are a lot of us out there....in our 20s.... describing our lives as "in transition"
(with a smile of course), but privately crying out to the Lord, searching for our "place in this world"--hello old school Michael. W!--and waiting for that 'next step' so to speak. Aching to connect to other Cross centered Christians our own age. To know we're not alone and we're not 'abnormal'. To know that this process is one that MANY have gone through before. With a passion for ministry, but sometimes it seems a lack of an 'outlet'. To learn to thrive in this season of life that seems to be all about waiting. And resumes. Weddings to attend. Waiting. Loneliness. Choices. Waiting....
College is finished.
Friends are further away.
Debts are waiting...
The (quote, unquote) Real World
So, after conversations with other "job hunting, in-between time of life" 20 something friends...I knew this was a need. And I'm not claiming to have all the answers. No. And I don't claim to be
"Super Christian" (cue theme music). Double No. Nor am I claiming that I will, at all times, be rational, composed, logical, or super 'up beat' about this transitional season of my life and of this time of life for others.
But I DO want to create a 'sounding board'. A way of reaching out and encouraging each other. A way to realize "hey, I'm not strange, I'm not alone in feeling this way or thinking that."
A way to be REAL. Honest. A way to be honest with myself about what I'm going through and strive to process the emotions, deceptions, insecurities that go along with this season of life. And most of all, a way to keep myself (and any blog followers or readers) girded and strengthened by Spiritual Truths. A way to focus on Kingdom principles and bring them to the forefront, instead of ingesting worldly lies that tell us that we have to 'be' this or that in order to be successful, happy, secure.. etc.
So over the next few months, I hope to fill this blog with a mix of personal anecdotes, musings, 'highs/lows', frustrations, insights...generously sprinkled with devotional thoughts, Scriptures and most of all TRUTH.
Transitions in life can be tough. Daunting. Confusing.
Thank goodness that the Lord "knows the plans He has" for us. All of us. Individually.
But we're the body of Christ.
Which is why I figured, I don't want to do this alone.
Body. Fellowship. Community.
Join me on this experiment, won't you?
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