Better Late than Never....

Hello friends....friend....whoever is reading this...

Well, it's been 2 months...and let me just say this:  I didn't just "forget" about blogging.
I haven't been "too busy."
It was a decision...for better, or for worse.
See, I haven't been that great.  I think I became 'lost'.
Or rather, didn't feel up to being quite so transparent.  Attempting to dispense "pearls of wisdom" or write down a devotional thought when, in truth, I was struggling just to hold onto hope.  Faith.
I said to myself "let's wait until this is over.  And then, maybe then, I'll feel like blogging again."
See, I had a rather difficult, rather frustrating month long interview process that well, went sour.
Needless to say, I impressed them, but pulled myself out of the interview process after certain....well, theological differences came to the light.  And I had absolutely no peace about stepping into the position.
It was a learning experience.  It forced me to examine certain scriptures and a certain issue in a new light.
Beurean style.
But, when it came down to it- it hurt.  It was frustrating.  And it left a "residue".
You know what I mean--the hard to wash off frustrated, hopeless, "what am I DOING?" kind of residue.
And then after that month....well, I've lost sight of.....hope.  Purpose.  Clarity.
Things became even MORE hazy.  Uncertain.  And sad.  Lonely.
But recently, I've decided....you know what, maybe I should keep writing THROUGH this.
It's real.
It's honest.
This is .....well, me and my life at this given moment.
It took working a Christian conference the week after Christmas for me to realize just how....spiritually sick
I was/am.  How "lost".  How paralyzed by my circumstances, my confusion and my situation here.
I've become so....ashamed of this season of my life.
So....frightened of what to do next, what I should be doing, what I haven't done....
I've lost sight of grace.  Of His love.
But I'm clawing my way back.  Slowly.  Inch by inch.  Back to the foot of the cross....
Sure, there's a lot of hurt.  And sure, circumstances haven't 'changed'.
But I HAVE to receive His healing, His restoration, His grace and mercy.
Certain things, words, lies, fears have attached themselves-strapped themselves-to my very spirit it seems.
And I know the Lord wants me free....because He did not die on the cross for me to be living like this.
 In the words of a sweet woman who worked in the prayer room at the conference recently:
"This isn't living Jen....this is slowly killing you."
*nods*
So, I suppose, this is me in true "Elim culture spirit" being 'transparent.'  Being vulnerable.
And if we're all honest, wouldn't we rather transparently admit our wounds, weaknesses and pain to those who care about us, to our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, rather than try to cover it up with rehearsed positive statements, fake smiles and the endless "game" of avoiding answering the difficult questions.
Aren't we all weak in our own flesh and in need of our Savior?
So, I suppose it's better late than never.....
This verse was a small light shining into my spirit tonight-may it be the same for you:

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."-Romans 8: 24, 25