Hosea

So I received some insights from Hosea 2 this past week, but instead of blogging about them just yet,
I thought I'd share song lyrics that I wrote just a couple days ago.  Melody and Chords are yet to be determined, but I love the lyrics so much that I'm hoping the full song will just 'flow' when I sit down to figure it out.  Enjoy, don't steal my lyrics now (hello, Copyright!), and keep posted for more thoughts from Hosea.

                                                         Hosea

Verse 1:
All my provisions have been stripped away
and all of my paths have been hedged in
See, I’d been unfaithful-that I know for sure
Turned to countless others to fill me

I thought that these lovers would meet all my needs
But chasing them brought my destruction
So I said, “Maybe my first love will take me back in”
“I was better off with Him then I am right now ”

Chorus:
So He led me
He brought me
Into the wilderness, into the desert
And it was there in the wasteland that,
 He pursued me (that He made me sing)
It was there in the dry land that
He allured me, He pursued me
It was THERE,  He spoke peace to my soul

Verse 2:                              
In the desert, my first love, turned trouble to hope
And spoke tender words to my faltering heart
So, I sang back to Him, my heart laden with joy,
Responding as when our love was still new.

For He’s no longer ‘Master’, but ‘Lover’ of mine
And it’s my steadfast love He desires
He betroths me to Him in His mercy and love
He betroths me to Himself forever, (forever faithful)

Bridge:
So I call, “Come, let us return to our Lover”
“Come, let us return to the Lord
Let us press on, let us press on
To know Him more.”  - Copyright: Jen Tillson, 1/23/11.
                                     Lyrics adapted from selected verses of Hosea 2, and Hosea 6

Expressions of the Father's Love: Prayer, Chocolate and Winter Boots

I spent this past week in Lima, NY-at Elim Bible Institute.  I needed to get away.  I needed to carve out the time and breathe.  I was able to meet with many of the people whom I would consider my spiritual mentors.  I was able to reconnect with a few friends still attending the Bible Institute.  Most of all, I feel like I was able to feed my spirit.  And attempt to pull my spirit out of a deep rut that was only growing deeper and that I had been stuck in for the past few months or so...and breathe fresh air again.  In that familiar environment where I felt safe, nurtured and at "home".
I can truely say that I felt so blessed this past week.  Not JUST from being able to have face to face time with so many wonderful, caring people.  Not JUST from being back at Elim during the intense Week of Prayer with it's great worship, insightful teachings and concentrated prayer time.  But for setting myself purposefully in a place, in a position to receive.
Receive.
Gah, it's such a difficult concept for me. Always has been.  Especially when my human brain can't seem to wrap itself around the concept of a grace so free. A love so unconditional, so HUGE, so completely not based on my own successes, failures or position in life.  A love so ....well, uncomfortable and almost embarrasing in it's extravagance.  See, when it comes to the health of our relationship with the Lord or just our own spiritual and emotional life, things can become so cause and effect.  BECAUSE I feel like a failure (at life and to the Lord), I can't seem to even face You Lord.  BECAUSE I feel so lonely, I assume that I am alone.  BECAUSE I feel ashamed and unsettled about my life phase, I hide and I am not so quick to socialize or run into people I used to know.
So, if you feel like a gigantic failure, let down, dissapointment, waste of space, lonely, ashamed, confused, unsettled, low and spiriling mess, (wow, how's that for vulnerability...yes, that's been me the past 3 months)
it almost goes without saying that there will be trouble receiving.  Receiving peace.  Receiving love.  Receiving grace and resting in it.  If failure is how I've been identifying myself recently (well, more like 'branding myself), then YES, I will resist opening out my hands and attempting to silence the 'works mentality/mindset' of "I've failed" long enough to take His love in.
So here's my story....throughout this week, I feel like the Lord set me up to receive.  Time after time after time.  I met with a woman who I consider to be a type of "spiritual grandma" so to speak.  And she's just the type to let you "spill" all of your struggles out and then she goes straight for the spiritual jugular and the real issues and truth behind everything you just said.  And together, through prayer, we discovered the new spiritual lense to replace the "I am a failure" lie mentality that I've been believing so strongly the past few months.  And guess what the Lord replaced it with?
"I am loved."
*sigh*  Simple.  Yet, really Lord??!!  But.....I.... I'm messed up.  I'm hurting.  I'm struggling.
"I am loved."
Truth.
And he DROVE this simple truth into me this week through many silly and simple methods.
Let me explain.

Prayer:  A strong expression of other's care and concern for my well being.  An act of love and faith that this season will come to pass in my life.  I tossed out 'fleeces' with several people that I trust as friends, mentors, and caring individuals who I trusted enough to be transparent and honest with, to see if they would be available to meet up.  And everytime I was able to catch up with each person, I was met with unasked for prayer times.  And just that simple act.  The grasping of my hands in theirs.  The touch of a hand on my back.   So restorative.  The knowing that another was lifting me up to the Father. Hearing discerning words that touched not only on the issues that I had shared, but also found the unspoken 'pulse' behind the struggles and addressed those.  An act of love-an expression of the Father's love.  As if He were saying "See, you may feel so lonely, but you are NOT alone.  They care because I care.  They are gentle and compassionate because I am gentle and compassionate.  They are praying into these things, because I have whispered those words into their ears even as they are speaking them to Me.  NOT alone."

Chocolate:  Ok, before you chuckle and dismiss this as the rambling humor of a quirky woman, hear me out.
The Lord expressed His love for me in gifts of chocolate.  The woman I consider my "spiritual grandma"...her husband...as I was leaving their house, not only giving me 'just any chocolate', but shoving in my pocket (with a twinkle in his eye) the remaining 4 pieces of specialty chocolate from a well known chocolate shop in their town!  Not just wanting to give me a "little something for the road" on my way out, but so easily blessing me with what I KNEW was his favorite candy....to me, it was so strongly the Lord whispering (with most likely a smile on His face) "Just receive."
And again, as I was leaving the house of a pastor friend of mine and his family the very next day, after "just stopping by" turned to 4 hours, more prayer time with he and his wife and an unexpected dinner invitation, putting my coat on only to hear, once more, "Do you like chocolate?".  Haha...well, yes....but.....
"Dark or milk?"  A little overwhelmed, I replied, "Um...well....probably dark more...but..."  Again, into my hand goes the LARGEST bar of dark chocolate I think I've ever seen.  Blessing.  And once more, the Lord setting me up just to receive love and care.  Love in the form of chocolate.  Love in the form of small blessings. TLC. Not because I have done anything to "earn" it....but just because these people who I love, also love me.

Winter Boots:  Now, this is the most bizarre, but very impactful way that the Lord drove home the concept of just receiving His love.  And care and concern.  So, I was a very impractical and stubborn woman this week and wasn't thinking of caring for and taking care of myself enough to bring practical shoes to upstate NY in the dead of winter.  No, I brought flats.  Open dress flats.  That's it.  And what happens this past week?
Snow.  Wind.  REALLY low temps.  So, needless to say, I spent the week with poor feet that kept getting cold and wet.  But I stayed in that mentality of "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it" kind of a thing.  I wasn't thinking.  *sigh*.  So, that's ok.  I can live with my cold feet.  I took it in stride.  I was crazy to not bring boots, but what could I do.  Of course, my feet will be cold.  Haha, silly woman.  I'm pretty sure at least one of the gals in whose apartment I stayed at this week, offered me a pair of their boots at one point, but I brushed it off with an "Oh, that's ok...haha...I was so silly, but it's fine".
But on my way home, after stopping off at the Pastor's family house (and trudging through snow to get to their doorstep), again, wet cold feet.  I was welcomed in and immediately offered slipper booties.  :)  A welcomed relief!  But as I was getting ready to leave their house, to travel the rest of the way home...I think they realized what shoes I was putting on my feet to go back out into the snow and low temps.  Of course, I had a good laugh about my foolishness again and just smiling at their comments about "warming up my shoes", when this former Pastor's wife turns to me and asks me my shoe size.  I sheepishly tell her, as I'm gathering the rest of my stuff together, only to have her return with sturdy Lands End low winter boots.  And insist that I borrow them.  (I'm coming back to their house next week, so I can return them then, but that's another story).
So on my feet go these warm, protective winter boots.  And out to my car I go, through the winter snow, but this time with warm feet.
Now, it may seem so small.  But to me, especially as I was driving away, marveling over the feeling of having warm feet, I was struck almost to tears with the fact that they had just expressed the Father's love to me through the small concern that my feet be warm and protected.  You mean, You care, Lord, if my feet are warm??  You love me enough to tap another human being on the shoulder and have them offer me winter boots.  You ask me, AGAIN, to just receive.  Receive the care, concern and blessings.  LET people love me, care for me and take care of me, even when I fail to.  My FEET?  Lord, really?  It's so small....I had gotten used to cold feet....but ....
So, despite how hard it is for me to grasp, I'm realizing how much I need to just open up my hands and receive.  Receive DESPITE.  Because His love is not based on my works, my struggles, my ups and downs.  His love does not have conditions....I don't have to strive to earn it.  I cannot let my emotions, circumstances, surroundings, perceived "failures" or perceived spiritual standing dictate who He says I am.  If He chooses to replace, "I am a failure", with "I am loved"--who am I to try to argue against that just because I have hang ups about receiving.  He's my Father and unlike an earthly father's expressions sometimes of "I'll show you I love you IF....", He chooses to pour out His love just because.  Just because I am His.  Just because He cares.  And just because He sees me as separate from my struggles.  Separate from my set backs, emotional upheaval and horrible confusion.  He sees who I really am.
He sees the real me that is still inside.
And He chooses to lavish His love out on me......just because.

Better Late than Never....

Hello friends....friend....whoever is reading this...

Well, it's been 2 months...and let me just say this:  I didn't just "forget" about blogging.
I haven't been "too busy."
It was a decision...for better, or for worse.
See, I haven't been that great.  I think I became 'lost'.
Or rather, didn't feel up to being quite so transparent.  Attempting to dispense "pearls of wisdom" or write down a devotional thought when, in truth, I was struggling just to hold onto hope.  Faith.
I said to myself "let's wait until this is over.  And then, maybe then, I'll feel like blogging again."
See, I had a rather difficult, rather frustrating month long interview process that well, went sour.
Needless to say, I impressed them, but pulled myself out of the interview process after certain....well, theological differences came to the light.  And I had absolutely no peace about stepping into the position.
It was a learning experience.  It forced me to examine certain scriptures and a certain issue in a new light.
Beurean style.
But, when it came down to it- it hurt.  It was frustrating.  And it left a "residue".
You know what I mean--the hard to wash off frustrated, hopeless, "what am I DOING?" kind of residue.
And then after that month....well, I've lost sight of.....hope.  Purpose.  Clarity.
Things became even MORE hazy.  Uncertain.  And sad.  Lonely.
But recently, I've decided....you know what, maybe I should keep writing THROUGH this.
It's real.
It's honest.
This is .....well, me and my life at this given moment.
It took working a Christian conference the week after Christmas for me to realize just how....spiritually sick
I was/am.  How "lost".  How paralyzed by my circumstances, my confusion and my situation here.
I've become so....ashamed of this season of my life.
So....frightened of what to do next, what I should be doing, what I haven't done....
I've lost sight of grace.  Of His love.
But I'm clawing my way back.  Slowly.  Inch by inch.  Back to the foot of the cross....
Sure, there's a lot of hurt.  And sure, circumstances haven't 'changed'.
But I HAVE to receive His healing, His restoration, His grace and mercy.
Certain things, words, lies, fears have attached themselves-strapped themselves-to my very spirit it seems.
And I know the Lord wants me free....because He did not die on the cross for me to be living like this.
 In the words of a sweet woman who worked in the prayer room at the conference recently:
"This isn't living Jen....this is slowly killing you."
*nods*
So, I suppose, this is me in true "Elim culture spirit" being 'transparent.'  Being vulnerable.
And if we're all honest, wouldn't we rather transparently admit our wounds, weaknesses and pain to those who care about us, to our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, rather than try to cover it up with rehearsed positive statements, fake smiles and the endless "game" of avoiding answering the difficult questions.
Aren't we all weak in our own flesh and in need of our Savior?
So, I suppose it's better late than never.....
This verse was a small light shining into my spirit tonight-may it be the same for you:

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."-Romans 8: 24, 25

Perspective and the BIG picture

Currently, I'm stuck in that mildy frustrating/mildly ackward phase known as the "phone interview shuffle".
AKA:  successful phone conversation from the contact person, phone tag limbo with another committee member.
*sigh*.  What I would give just to go to meet these people face to face.

In the meantime, I've taken to watching/listening to IHOP (Internation House of Prayer) -KC's live stream of their prayer room.  It's been so encouraging to engage in something that stirs up passion and hunger in my heart once more.  I discovered the live stream yesterday and listened to it on and off throughout the day.  And at the end of the night I realized something....I easily miss the BIG picture.

What do I mean by this?  Perspective.  From my small little area of concerns and stresses, as I continue figuring out where to go next, resumes, job hunting, ect, if I stay down in all of it for too long it's all I can see.  It's so...easy, so comfortable, so ho-hum to NOT climb higher.  I job hunt.  I watch the news.  I tweak documents.  I search the web.  Meanwhile, I fail to feed myself spiritually.  Sure, I may read a bit from my Bible, any recent theology book, Christian inspirational book.  I may listen to worship music.  But if I fail to engage, to connect, to meet intimately with the God who desires relationship (and not ritual), then my perspective is still low, still stuck in my troubles, and so very limited.

What is the BIG picture?  Christ and His Kingdom.  The hearts and spirits of those around me.  Grace, the work of the cross, the supremacy and Glory of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  The Big picture is my inner life, the "place behind my face" (as Misty Edwards puts it).  The Big picture is His moving and working on this earth and what He is doing within His Bride, the body of Christ.

He calls out for hearts, for relationship, for us to meet with Him, wait on Him, listen to His heart in the quiet place, our secret place with Him.  Yet, if something holds us back, holds us down, we are left with our perspective only being on what immediately surrounds us versus His Higher purpose, His Higher thoughts and His Higher Kingdom principles.

After all, what will matter, I mean REALLY matter once we've left this earth?  In light of eternity, what is the big picture?  I think this is where our perspectives shift and can have the potential to realign.
These should be the real "check up" questions, shouldn't they?
       *How is my intimacy level with the Lord?
       * How is my hunger level for more of the Lord and His Kingdom principles?
       *How is my heart and what is it telling me about wounds, lies, concealed sins, attitudes, pride..ect?
       *What has Jesus been teaching me lately?

Also, "How is my spiritual overflow?"  If our worship, in action, in attitude, in lifestyle, is all about "the overflow of a forgiven soul" (thank you, Matt Redman), then where is my spiritual overflow?  Am I overflowing with gratitude, joy, communion with the Lord, worship and Glory?  Or is my well running low?
Is my 'spiritual water' stagnant?  Or is it "bubbling over"?

Perspective is huge.  Not that I'm claiming to be seeing things completely clearly...big picture.
But I want to.  And I'm relying on the Lord to help me.  Stay close to His heart and keep the kind of perspective that He wants me to keep.  HIS Kingdom.  HIS Cross.  HIS grace and HIS glory.
So, how is YOUR perspective today?
Can you see His Big picture?
How is YOUR 'overflow'?

Musings on "Possibility" and Career vs. 'Calling'

So the past couple days have been very intriguing.  Yesterday as I was doing my daily "check the dozen and a half ministry job posting websites in hopes of something NOT in Cali, Texas or Florida", the very first new job posting (posted most likely just a few hours earlier) on the very first website I checked was for a Worship Leader for CHESTER, NJ. ...shock.
Chester?
Chester is an adorable little town about 20 min from my house.  Seriously?  Wow.  So of course, after browsing the description for a part time (15 hours a week max) worship leader in a mediumly small nondenom, evangelical church, I sent my standard coverletter/resume email off to the contact person.  Figuring *shrug*, we'll see.
Well, that same night, just a few hours later, I received an email AND a cell message (I was watching a show with mom...probably didn't hear it ring) from the church's head deacon.  Saying essentially that he thought my resume was "very impressive" and that he looked forward to hearing from me.  Wow, ok, this is fast.
So this afternoon I called this man's number and had a short "phone interview".  Well, more like brief conversation and preliminary contact.  Phone interviews can be kinda ackward though, as I'm learning.  Especially the whole asking questions and/or waiting for them to continue and/or ask you another question.  I'm big on face to face.  Reading body language and facial features to know where the conversation is going.
But that's besides the point......
Turns out they're having a Worship Comittee meeting tonight (seriously, was this planned earlier?), he'll submit my resume there and the next step would be hearing from the Pastor to set up an interview.  Interesting.
Now, if this pans out I'll have to find something else for daytime hours.  Practically speaking.  Since obviously this is part time, and while it would be good for "part time" hours, I'd have to find another job to "support myself".  And while it would be great to find my own apartment, again, "practically speaking" that's not really possible right now.  What would I do?  Substitute teach?  Try AGAIN to find a piano/vocal teaching position in a music studio.  Try to teach piano lessons privately?  We'll see.
Regardless, I'm ready to have things "flesh out" a bit more in my life.  I like the idea of 'possibility' maturing to become a solid 'possible position'.  Possibility is a great word.  It is like this fun loving second cousin to 'hope'.  And I love the word hope.
Now, while my mother chimes in with a disappointed "that's not a lot" as I'm describing this worship leading position financially speaking, I'm realizing all the more that ministry is a CALLING.  Not a career.
I never claimed to want a career.  Ever.  I think that solidified as soon as I realized (during the great Junior Year of Undergrad freak out of 2006) that I was feeling called to ministry and not to teaching in the public schools.  Financially speaking, maybe being a worship leader (and having that as my primary focus) is, to some laughable.  But to me, it's being obedient to a calling, a passion and a life purpose.  But again, I don't think "career" when I think ministry.
Now I haven't claimed to have figured this all out yet.  That should be obvious.  It's a step by step, journey, babe in ministry taking steps (albeit baby steps) towards a life of obedience and passion.  And while I continually struggle between wanting to be the "responsible daughter" in a family that focuses more on 401Ks and benefits, rather than ministerial life callings and passions, and straining to hear the Lord's voice for where to take the next step, I know this much to be true.  Ministry is NOT a career, at least not in the typical sense.  And because of this, I can't measure it to the same worldly standards of salary, benefits, and financial securities.  Haha.  Who EVER said a life of ministry would be 'financially secure'?!  Certainly not me.  And certainly not any person in ministry that I have looked up to and admired over the past few years.
We shall see how this pans out.
But for now, financial issues and hang-ups aside, I enjoy "possibility"
"Possibility" is a great word. :)

"And it came to pass"

Positive:  I'm not crying every night like I was for about 3 weeks straight
Negative:  I'm not crying every night like I was for about 3 weeks straight (?)

I don't know whether this is good or bad.  Bad:  Am I becoming numb?  Good:  Am I adjusting finally?
It seems I'm becoming used to disappointment.  OF COURSE the job was only recently filled.  OF COURSE your church is looking for someone with a certain number of years of paid experience.  OF COURSE your not responding back to my email.  Of course.

I keep telling myself that there's gotta be a reason.  There always is, isn't there?  We always find this out later though.  After the fact.  Once it's over. And then we call it: perspective.  And we smile.

Except I'm not smiling now.  And I have trouble thinking clearly or even knowing what I want or what would be good for me to pursue. Where to live?  What type of job to pursue?  Where to look for open doors in ministry?  Churches?

I find hope, small little glimmers of it that come fleetingly but still, hope, in thinking that this will pass.  This season.  That life is about peaks and valleys, and this valley will soon start it's upward climb.  That I will someday find my niche, my place, a 'home', and well, let's be real here: a job.

It's like that Mark Lowry skit.  Ok, deal with me here.  I'm going old school Christian culture.
Mark Lowry. Christian comedian.  I owned his VHS (oooo, the time before DVDs.  Am I aging myself?)
"Heart in Motion", in 5th grade which means the tape was probably made in like, '94/'95.
Sometimes corny, but I find myself often drawing on his "it came to pass" wisdom.
Here's what I mean:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z-nwWEpHdQ

Life verse:  "and it came to pass".  It didn't come to stay.  This will sort itself out.  After all, every believer goes through their 'wilderness' season, don't they?  I mean, at LEAST one.  Maybe several.  Maybe it's a part of our journey.  And maybe I'll come out of this with tons of life lessons.
Or at least that magic word:  perspective.

The Lord hasn't changed.  I enjoy thinking on that too.  Though maybe my pespective has changed.  Maybe my heart has changed.  Maybe my motivation, schedule, location, and everything about my day to day life has completely changed over the last few months.  But God hasn't.  And He never changes who He is.  His promises?  They stay the same, they stay consistent.  His Word?  True.  His love?  Steadfast and unshakable.
His plans and purpose for my life?  They still exist.  Despite me.  Despite my emotions, weaknesses, confusion, and temporary life paralysis.  He still whispers "a hope and a future", even when I can only see darkness and a blurred path.

"And it came to pass."  Seasons of life.  Peaks.  Valleys.  Emotions.  Situations.
This too shall pass.

Owning our Identity

So as I continue to sift through craigslist categories and endless ministry board postings...ect, I've also been reading.
Alot.
And lately I have stumbled upon a previously unknown (to me at least) author.  Henri Nouwen.
This week I found "The Life of the Beloved" on my public library's sparse Christian non-fiction section.
Curious, I brought it home and started reading it only to be deeply impacted by the first few pages of this small book.
Identity
That's the book's main focus.  Not only understanding who we are, but owning it and living securely in our identity for all facets of our life.  And who are we?  This book answers-"the beloved."
Beloved of God.  Child of God.  Dearly loved.
But here's what I've been discovering during this life "in between" time of mine-it is so extremely easy to develop spiritual amnesia.  To forget who I am.  To start gradually listening more and more to the voices that tell me the opposite.  To start unconsciously or consciously taking these lies to be truth.  Nouwen calls this "self rejection."  And in listening more to these voices that lie rather than to the whisper that calls me "the Beloved daughter", I start succumbing and falling victim more and more to my circumstances and my emotions.  My emotions that seem to tell me that I deserve nothing good or even spectacular because I am convinced that I'm pathetic and am failing at my own life.  My circumstances that seem to tell me that I am doomed and worthless because I am unemployed and struggling with what to do next in my life.  It's like I stick my fingers in my ears and listen to those voices, because sometimes it's easier than listening to the soft whisper inside that calls me "Beloved."
But what is true?
What side 'wins'?
Who am I?
I AM His "beloved."  I am His daughter.  I AM secure, watched over, loved, accepted, forgiven, cleansed, redeemed.  I AM a new creation,a member of the body of Christ, a temple of the Holy Spirit.  And while I am an alien and a stranger to this world, I AM a citizen of heaven (and mystery of all mysteries, I am actually also "seated with Christ in heavenly places").
I am a friend of God and I am hidden IN Christ with God.  I am a light in this dark world and I am a partaker of a heavenly calling. I am a member of the bride of Christ and I am a true worshiper who will one day see Him face to face.  All of this...........and I am His "Beloved."
This is who I am, and yet if I do not own this, remember this and STAY in this identity, I drift back to the worthless identity that the voices of the world and the enemy speak.  It's like the analogy I once heard from Derek Levendusky: a princess who has forgotten who she is and is living in filth and squalor.  I have to LIVE in this identity as the beloved.
Or to quote Nouwen: "Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above down into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact thinking of, talking about and doing from hour to hour."
Now I haven't figured it all out yet, but this requires a certain boldness.  A certain refusal to accept the lies.
Despite circumstances, failures, emotions, set backs, weaknesses or situations.
You and I ARE "the Beloved."
And focusing on this, on who I AM in Christ, makes everything else....all the stresses and fears and anxieties about the future and my life....seem to fade into the background enough where I can feel that unexplainable peace that He gives.
So, please, with me, won't you choose to this day remember who you are.  And own it.
You are His "Beloved."